I’m sorry for the lack of posts recently, it’s been a manic year already for me, full of ups and downs. I’ve had a rough couple of months in my personal life, but I have still managed to complete my THIRD half marathon and get a personal best! I have also climbed 2 mountains this year already (Helvellyn in the Lake District and Kinder Scout in the Peaks) and I am now on nearly 50 Park Runs. I have also done two 10K races and got a personal best on Sunday just gone (55.30).
I’m now in half marathon training mode and my FOURTH one (??!) is at the end of May, so watch this space. For now though, I’ve decided to get my current feelings down by taking part in a link up with A Chronic Voice – this is basically a monthly get together for anyone with a chronic illness. So, here it goes…
The last 6 months have been tiring for me to be honest and a few weeks ago, it got to the point where if things continued, I swear I would have had a mental breakdown, no exaggeration. I have a crazy busy life, I’m always on the go. Like most people, I work full time in quite a stressful job and then I also fit in my running, gym work, seeing friends/family etc around it and sometimes it can get overwhelming. I’ve also been suffering with nerve issues/numbness in my leg which is being investigated but at the moment the Drs don’t know what is the cause, after countless tests. It could be related to my scoliosis and surgery, but the MRI scans I have had are clear and I feel like nobody is taking it seriously.
It worries me because I am so active, what if it gets worse and I cannot run again? Or even walk? So this has been tiring me out, more the not knowing. In my personal life, I have just got out of an unhealthy relationship which was tiring me out as it was constant fighting, which was quite frankly, exhausting and stressful towards the end. It was also taking up a lot of my time and energy, giving me no time to focus on myself and my own goals (including this blog, which I have neglected recently).
Prior to this, I was in a relationship for 13 years and I feel like as a result, I haven’t really had time to myself before, or really know who I am or what I want. So, now I am on my own again (sigh) but I feel like I can breathe and finally focus on myself and what I want. This may be selfish but so be it. I have spent my entire life thinking of others and sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself and your own emotional well being. Hopefully soon, I will start to feel less tired and maybe even find myself again.
I try whenever I can to educate people about my condition – scoliosis (curvature of the spine). Most people have either never heard of it, or they think it’s ‘just’ a back condition. The reality is that scoliosis affects the whole body as it throws your body out of alignment. This can cause all sorts of issues – breathing problems as the rib cage is often twisted (in severe cases like mine), numbness, headaches, issues with walking and leg length in some cases, pain, discomfort, muscle spasms – the list goes on. I always love it when people message me saying that I inspire them or that they too know someone with scoliosis. I’m a member of a run club and I was surprised to discover at least 3 people with the condition who are also in the run club AND good runners no doubt!
I try to raise awareness through my blog and social media and this year I hope to continue to do so, I would also love to take part in another large fundraising event for scoliosis (I did a trek on the Great Wall of China in 2017), so watch this space!
Linked to the above, I love receiving positive emails and messages from people on my Instagram and blog. It spurs me on to keep going when I am having low days with my back pain, leg issues or just feeling low in general. If I can inspire just one person, then it’s all worth it. 🙂
Related to the tiring section, I feel like I have been giving myself to others all my life, and now it’s time for me to give some time to myself. I feel like I don’t even know myself and what I want, so how can I even be with anyone else? For the past few weeks I have been giving myself some time to heal, by making time to relax more (self care Sunday’s are my new thing). I have bought myself new bedding, a relaxing diffuser with some lavender oil, some nice candles and have also started taking more baths and doing yoga. I never usually make time for myself as I’m usually busy running round or pleasing others so it’s been quite nice to do this, and is very much needed at the moment.
Related to the above, with everything going on I’ve found it so hard to quieten my mind recently. I’m a massive over thinker anyway and I have struggled really badly over the last few weeks, overthinking everything that went wrong in my last relationship, was it me? Could it have been different? Is it all my fault? Have I made a mistake? I miss him, should I contact him? It’s strange because I know the relationship wasn’t healthy towards the end, and yet I still miss him and the good times we had, as we did have good times and a lot in common.
I have also been overthinking about my leg and whether it is something bad. My head is all over the place at the moment and to be honest, it’s not in a good place. To try and quieten my thoughts I have bought an audio book on Mindfulness and I am going to try reading more, as I used to read a lot but it’s something that has fallen by the wayside a bit recently. I’m also considering counselling but I’d be worried about wasting someones time.
Having some time to myself recently to think has been useful but sometimes thoughts and too much time alone can drive you insane 🙁
So anyway, that’s my life at the moment, how’s yours?
Thank you for reading my ramblings – if you would like to submit your own entry – click here.